This is a short story on a chapter of my life, that has opened for me a new session to a new beginning.
Growing up, I have had dreams of the kind of person I will like to be and with the principles and discipline I have to live by. It built me a reputation that people respect and honour me by. I play the act of a prefect guy and leave people with the impression that I am a man without weaknesses.
This chapter concerns my discipline of patience in waiting for the right time to fall in love and have a relationship. All my life, until adulthood, I had kept a clean record on the outside that deemed me an upright guy without faults.
No one knows of the times I struggled with mastubation, watching porn movies, when I once wrote a love text to a girl older than me at the age of 16, the dirty thoughts in my head towards people, etc. All these I covered in my pride of being afraid to be judged.
I lived on seeking knowledge, seeking to know more, not so I could learn but just for the glory of knowing and proving to the world that I am all in all prefect, wise and the guy with all the answers. I wanted people to follow my footsteps, for the pride of being looked up as the right guy. I hid my wrongs and shaded my intensions with scriptures and the uncertainty of “oh, God told me”.
Long story short. I lived this way all until an instance at my age of 20. The effort of my built reputation being disregarded, my ego revealed the hiding person behind the veil. I did something I will now talk about as a testimony.
As a determined person hiding his feelings and weaknesses as I normally should but with my own strength. I was in a conversation with someone I have had intentions of having my first relationship with. After the struggle with the impatience, when my drive to take her for a date was strong. I had talks with people that helped me reason with myself to a point of decision, where I actually made a choice to wait till I was ready.
In my mind, due to other things I had heard, I thought that not being ready made me less of a man. Not fighting for what I wanted made it seem like I was afraid, the feeling raged my ego. All that held me from giving in, was the fear of doing something I will regret.
In waiting, I was in this conversation where I was speaking to the person I was being patient for. She was getting my help to assist her friend who was in my shoe, act upon the lust I was being patient about. In there, I tried to extend my knowledge of discipline to her friend through her.
Where it all fell into place, a trap that was set for my downfall, into my uprising. My words were seen to be irritating, my wisdom was detested. That didn’t hurt as much until I was deemed unfit for such relating matters. My need was classed and categorised only needed for spiritual things.
I felt less human, I was challenged to prove myself wrongly judged, an unworthy course to follow but my ego stripped me naked, it made me push down the wall I have built with my might.
The more of what it should be became the less of what it turned out to be. I thought that in that moment I will be shamed by my nakedness. But when I pulled down the wall, it was then, that I stood in the witness of all. All saw me, but also there in the letdown of many was when I saw grace, more of what it was is that grace saw me.
All while, I have hid myself with the perfection of my own works. After I spilled words my ego had heartlessly written, trying to convince someone of a love I couldn’t even feel in my fingers; I typed, trying to lead her on a journey that had no vision. My foolishness in the facts of even if don’t feel it, it is by faith, justifying to make sure I satisfied my ego, even when I wanted to stop on my tracks. I backed up myself saying; “love is not always about feelings” and so I pushed till the end.
I had pulled my wall down, there they’ve all seen my nakedness. I there stood with eyes looking at my true image. I looked and saw the shock of disappointment in faces of all. Amongst the many, one stood afar, someone with cloths of glory in his hands, on his face, it seemed he has been searching for me and with a smile he opened his arms. In the absence of thought for all regards, I ran towards his embrace; he clothed me in beauty and said my name is Grace; I am your perfection.
I looked back and saw the filthiness of my works. I saw the rags of self-righteousness I had dressed myself with. Then I began to understand why my communication could not last being heard or understood by those I drew nigh too.
My own works smelt with fume of disgust that sought for glory towards the esteem of my own aims and ambitions. Though the passion and reasons were genuine in wanting to please God.
Now I can do it unashamed, I can do it as a free man that’s not hiding behind shadows. I can do it without struggle and tell the whole story without hiding anything. I am unashamed because I no longer live by my right doings but by his righteousness in me. No more hiding, I am now exposed wide open to show his strength in my weakness.
I hope this story and testimony of mine leads you to finding grace too. Things happen for the best in most cases. There’s no condemnation whatsoever but only grace can testify of this in you if you’ll let go of the shame caused by your past and live in glory of new beginnings in Christ. His strength is made prefect in your weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Do leave comments on how the story affects you.
The Hidden Within 